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Confessions of a Former A**hole (Language Advisory)

I used to be an asshole.

No. No. Don't argue. It's true.

HA!

I laugh because I don't' think that many would argue. And that's ok. I can fully accept that now. You have every right to feel the way you do. I take full responsibility.  But there's good news! I'm not an asshole anymore.

Step 2: ???. Step 3: Profit.

I'm not trying to make excuses but, to be fair, my past asshole tendencies could be attributed, at least in part, to survival instinct. You see, I didn't grow up around people that were particularly nice to me. It's cliche but you weren't going to get me if I got you first. Kentucky was (is?) pretty unforgiving as a Latina girl. I look back now and realize I was surrounded by prejudice; from teachers, other kids and our in-laws. That didn't help matters.

Then, suddenly, I was an insecure adult trying to find my way, still completely convinced that EVERYONE had an agenda. It's safe to say I became my own worst enemy for awhile. But, seriously, how would you have handled it? I did the best I could with what I was taught...or wasn't taught.

I was lucky enough to cross paths with a few amazing folks during these impressionable years; friends that could and still do love me unconditionally. (I'm looking at you Steve & Shannon) The rough waters were much easier to navigate with someone else to help row. Sadly though, this didn't immediately stop my being an asshole.

Then, life happened - college, heartbreak and stress. Most days, I didn't really know which way was up, to be honest. All I knew "for sure" was that life dealt me a bad hand. And unfortunately, it would take literal years for me to grasp that I had the ability to change my story.

Now, I could go on and on and on about the things that happened to me to cause my assholishness. But, I feel that would be counterproductive. I could tell you, sure, but talking about some of my experiences still makes me feel gross and that directly leads to more asshole behavior. It's a vicious cycle.

Instead, I'll focus on the pros of being a reformed asshole. (I made a list) Yes! There are some and they don't just affect me. It may be hard for you  to understand or you may even disagree that any good could come from it, particularly if you're one of the fortunate few who never had to develop a defense mechanism. Or you may have a different opinion if you've ever been hurt by a former asshole...or if you've ever been hurt by me. I can say with confidence that the list that follows is a direct result of living the life of an asshole:

- I have a quick wit.

-I have a complete inability to put up with bullshit and I make it known.

-I have an uncanny ability to spot ANOTHER asshole.

-I will always stand up for myself....and you too.

-I am fiercely loyal to those who love me despite (or maybe because of) my formal asshole status.

-I am raising a kind little girl and I have the power to give her the childhood I never had. Hopefully,
she'll never feel the need to be an asshole.

If you are/were an asshole, perhaps you'll recognize a bit of yourself in my words. Perhaps, you even have a few more pros to add to the list. Perhaps, you're still an asshole and that suits you just fine. I'm in no position to judge.

Only an asshole would do that.

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