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Sticks and Stones

I've never broken a bone. This is certainly not for a lack of trying. As a child, I was constantly scabby-kneed and bruised. (As a teenager and young adult lacking grace, just bruised) I was fearless in a way you can only be when you're young and don't know any better. Sure, I'll climb the tree. Sure, I'll go off the high dive. Sure, I'll ride my bike down that ridiculously steep hill. Roller coasters? Bring it on. I was constantly banged up and I loved it. My scars are badges of honor.

Around 25 something strange happened. Faced with another daredevil stunt, I hesitated. I stopped and I thought, "Wow, this could go badly." Fear. Being a grown-up kind of kills the fun sometimes, huh? What was I scared of? Falling? Yes. Making an ass out of myself? Yes. Breaking my first bone? Most definitely. Most likely though it was the realization that should something go awry the medical bills and possible fines would all be on me, the girl without health insurance or a lawyer.

So, I started being more careful. We all do. Inevitably, we all give in to wearing seatbelts, taking a multivitamin, wearing helmets and sunscreen... Hey, I got this. See? I'm being so careful. So....why does my back hurt? Why am I sore?

Welcome to your late 30's. The time in your life when you find out that you have to do nothing in order to get hurt. Irony. I may as well take up skydiving. Here are some things I've done (or didn't) that have caused discomfort. And for the record, this is bullshit.

1. Jump. Remember how fun that used to be? Trampolines were the tits. Now...ugh my poor knees, my poor heart.

2. Sit on your knees. We do this every night for bathtime with Isabel. It takes approximately 10 minutes to recover.

3. Physically play with a child for a full afternoon. Also known as forgetting how old you are for a moment. Don't get me wrong, I love playing with my kid. But after, it's naptime.

4. Get a good night's sleep. Ahhh...one of those rare nights when you wake up when you're supposed to instead of at 4 a.m. You feel so refreshed until you realize you really haven't moved that much during the night and you've been laying on your arm for 7 hours.

5. Sit comfortably. Seriously. I used to have two or three go-to positions for sitting. They have betrayed me lately. Pins and needles and restless leg.

6. Do nothing. It goes with #5. Just wait. I'm not exaggerating. If you sit and wait long enough some random pain will occur. For me, it's like a hot needle in my calf, upper arm or hand. The only explanation I have is that someone has a Vanessa-shaped Voodoo doll.

7. Try on clothes. My favorite and the inspiration for this blog. I went shopping yesterday and tried on a dress. After getting it over my boobs, I quickly realized taking it off would be no easy feat. Cut to me doing a dressing room truffle-shuffle terrified that I was going to have to call for help or get a rib removed.

So, please be careful, folks...or don't. Whatever, just keep a ample supply of Ibuprofen at the ready.

V-



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